“Saturday Night Live” poked fun at the recent series of headline-grabbing celebrity arrests with a cold open sketch that brought together in a jail cell Lori Loughlin, Michael Avenatti and Michael Keaton as Julian Assange.
The sketch — a play on the MSNBC show “Lockup” — opens on three inmates chatting about what got them behind bars, with one of the actors calling the crimes Kenan Thompson’s character committed insane.
“You think that’s insane? I paid 500 grand to get my daughter into USC,” says Kate McKinnon as Loughlin, who was charged in the widespread college admissions cheating scandal.
“I paid 500 grand to a women’s crew coach to say my daughter was good at rowing,” she adds. “I’m loco.”
The ersatz Loughlin goes on to say that she “owns the guards in here. I helped their kids get into top-rate pre-Ks” and that she bribed her way into the Nation of Islam for $100,000. She also makes several references to “Full House,” including the iconic line “how rude.”
Still, Thompson tells her she “won’t survive in here more than a week.”
“You think prison is hard?” McKinnon’s Loughlin laughs. “I’ve done 68 Hallmark movies. I’ve seen hell, man.”
Then in walks Pete Davidson as Michael Avenatti, who was charged Thursday in a 36-count federal indictment.
“Did somebody say crazy?” the faux Avenatti says. “I’m accused of crimes you can’t even conceive of, like blackmailing a sneaker company and stealing taxes from a coffee shop to fund a racecar team. And I’m so shady that a pornstar once said she needed to distance herself from me.
“And you know what the worst part is?” he adds. “I might still run for president. Avenatti-Baldwin, 2020.”
Not to be outdone, Keaton’s Julian Assange pops in, calling himself the “architect of anarchy,” the “king of chaos” and the “scourge of the cleaning staff at the Ecuadorian embassy.”
“Y’all wanna know how crazy I am? Here’s how crazy I am. I’m wanted in the U.S. and Sweden. I’m from Australia. I live in London in Ecuador. You try figuring that one out,” he says. “Yeah, you cheat your schools, and you rob your companies. That’s cute. It is. I’ve attacked the U.S. military . . . because I’m an actual James Bond supervillain, and I’m one step away from destroying the goddamn moon. So you wanna get nuts, so let’s get nuts.”
Then, the characters spot rainbow-maned rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine, played by Melissa Villasenor, sitting in the corner, telling everyone he’s just in for good old “robbery and gun stuff. It’s the best!”
“Well, we may both regret this. But Tekashi, do you need a lawyer?” Davidson’s Avenatti asks, adding “See, prison’s fun!”
By Tamar Lapin